A Date with the Moon Goddess

Are you ready to worship the moon goddess Artemis? Are you ready to watch a rocket curve as it launches to avoid hitting the firmament? Are you ready to not receive a decent explanation to how they manage to go through the Van Allen radiation belt? Are you ready to use your imagination to understand how mankind is going to go from a pressurized atmosphere to a non-pressurized environment with no solid barrier separating them? Are you ready to pretend with me today that thrust can push off of nothingness to steer a vessel? Are you ready to pretend that zippers could maintain pressure inside a space suit inside a total vacuum and that humans could survive that pressure? Are you ready to believe a little aluminum foil protects humans, delicate electronics, and precise machinery from -455deg temps? Are you ready to hear conflicting testimonies on whether or not you can see stars from space?

I sure hope they give credit to the person on the moon this time who records the landing. I sure hope they don’t leave him behind this time when they watch the capsule take off. I sure hope they’ll finally give us the robust dependable communication technology they’ve been hoarding for themselves that allows astronauts to talk to our President on a landline with no latency or interruption from 238,000 miles away. I sure hope the weightlessness we witness isn’t just a normal video that has been slowed down to 2.5 speed.

Y’all be praying nobody gets stuck in any of the wires they need to pull them back up when they fall down. Y’all pray that nobody drowns inside their space suits this time. Yall pray that nobody is allergic to hairspray on this mission; I would hate to miss out the awesome hairdo’s they have planned.

Pray that the cloth thin door hatches hold up. Pray that “pockets of gravity” don’t occur at really inopportune times; I would hate for someone to drop a tool at the wrong time. Pray that all of the green screens work to help everyone worship Artemis properly. Let’s all look forward to the livestream functionality where we can zoom in real time from the moon to watch ourselves in our front yards.

Let’s look forward to tons of anomalies and contradictions to the laws of physics that we just don’t understand because we are too stupid. Let’s hope the shuttle doesn’t explode this time. I really would hate for all of the astronauts to have to take jobs teaching in universities with the exact same faces and names.

And for all of the idiots who don’t think space travel is possible, what are you going to do after I show you a room full of people high-fiving huh?! What are you gonna do when I show you a press conference afterwards and men literally tell you with their mouths that they did do it? I don’t care if they look depressed when they should be excited; they said they went, therefore bow down to Artemis!

I’m ready to see what mankind can do with $70 MILLION PER DAY!!!

Who’s with me!?!?

What else are you looking forward to today??

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